What you see

I stumbled across this quote earlier tonight, let's just say it struck a cord. 

The past 6 weeks have been an adjustment to say the least, new routines, no routines, no schedule, it is all um... weird.

There have been applications, phone screens, rejection emails and interviews. I get emails with anywhere from 15 to 50 possible positions daily - some are duplicates, some are not even close, like the greeter at Friendly's and others are not that easy to rule out. What does that company do? Am I qualified? Should I apply anyway? How long of a commute is that? 

Last week wasn't a great week, Kristen is struggling with my not working, when the girls struggle, I struggle. There was lots of back and forth to workshops, meetings and preparations for a full weekend of family activities. The workshops are definitely worth the time but the back and forth makes it harder to get in a groove. I was tired from the running and felt like little progress was made on the job search front.  The self-imposed emotional breakdown followed.  

I do desperately want people to believe that I am OK, to think that I have it together. Most days it IS OK, but some days it isn't.  

I learning to accept that it's OK, to not be OK. 

I Run .....

Yesterday was National Running Day and it also happened to be the Special Olympics Law Enforcement Torch Run. My brother works in law enforcement and organizes some of these activities for his department.  In the last few weeks we've had some delicious meals at their "Tip a Cop" events and yesterday there was a run from the police station to one of the elementary schools where the torch got handed off to the next department. I wanted to do this with him last year, but I had JUST started to run .. no way .. this year well I have the time since I'm not working and I run 5K's, I just got brand new Brooks running shoes and even my Mom said they run "slow"

The first time you ever do something there is a learning curve ... when we did Relay For Life, when I bought into a Community Sponsored Agriculture share, anything ... clearly the more you participate, the longer you do something the better you get, the more you learn. Let me just say, we will chalk yesterday up to a learning experience.

This is quite a production. The City of Groton was the lunch stop - David picked up pizza, a few other officers picked up drinks and the team ate before heading out. There are State Police on motorcycles, there are cruisers, there is a truck with volunteers in the back encouraging you as you run.  There is a follow car behind the last runner.  The last runner, that would be me ....

I so should have bagged out of when my brother announced, "actually it is really more like 4 miles - not 3.  No big deal right - it's just another mile"  I didn't quit then, but I had a back up plan .. my parents were stalking the run from various points .. I could just "fallout" and get in with them.

 I arrived at the police station, full of anxiety, no way I was gonna be going to be able to do this.  I really should have climbed into a car when David said "9 min mile pace" 

Pictures were taken, the torch was lit, and the engines were started ... 

Torch Run - Runners and Support Team

I was in a car before mile 1 because I just couldn't keep up.  I chatted with the off duty officer that was kind enough to let me ride with her.  We listened to the music they played and the officers took turns running with the torch.

City of Groton - Special Olympic Torch Run
David made the hill look easy even with the torch

Then about a mile before the hand off to the next department .. that is when the real magic happens.  A Special Olympian waits patiently with her mom on the side of the road to join in.  Our first runner was Kathy ... she grabbed the torch and was off, the officer that was supposed to help support the torch had to catch up. They were in section of town with a lot more traffic and that combined with the effort it takes for 2 people to run and share the torch duty the pace slowed some.   I was able to jump out and sprint ahead and get photos ... 

Kathy and Officer Edwards sharing the torch

A little ways down the road, Stephen, another Special Olympian joined the group.  He ran with David and after a few pictures I ran with them.  Stephen was SO excited - the lead truck was encouraging motorists to beep in support and Stephen would smile and wave whenever someone did. We asked him what his sport was
"I swim"  Stephen answered
"Swimming, that's hard isn't it" David said 
"No, not really" 
And he just kept running

Then before we knew it there was the Town of Groton Department waiting for their turn. 

The torch was passed and the group loaded back into cars and went their separate ways. 

I went yesterday expecting to run and expecting to struggle.  I went partly because I could hear Paul's voice in my head saying "we're not quitters" even though I knew I was in trouble standing next to all those police officers who are in much better shape than me. 

I had sort of forgotten that the athletes would be running too and what that does to the atmosphere - how determined they are, how passionate they are, no matter how hard it gets - they never even think about stopping .... 

The last few months I've been ignoring the gym and my running. Making excuses - up too late, need new shoes, don't have time ... I'm pretty sure I didn't run a mile yesterday .. but .. this morning I ran TWO.

Sometimes you need a kick in the ass ... yesterday I got mine compliments of my "little" brother and 2 Special Olympians.  

and yes, I RUN.