Don't consider the alternative

The weather has finally started to break around here ... there is more daylight and we are starting to see more and more grass in the yard. 

I am ecstatic, I am totally over the winter but especially the SNOW. I've always been one that tolerated the snow, indifferent really. I mean I worked from home, my kids childcare provider is 1 mile away, I drive a 4WD SUV ... no big brown truck for me! For years I had managed with no problem but this winter we narrowly averted a disaster of catastrophic proportion.  If I never see another blizzard it will be too soon.

In late January over 2 feet of snow was predicted to fall Monday into Tuesday. School for Tuesday was cancelled on Monday afternoon and when Paul got home Monday night he knew he was off on Tuesday. The weatherman was right on.

We woke up on Tuesday to a LOT of snow.... feet in some places and almost bare grass in other spots. The "walk out" area for the walk out basement was completely filled in with snow ... almost 3 feet deep in some spots. 

The girls were anxious to go out and play so the process of potty stops, boots, coats, mittens, hats ensued. Paul prepared to clean up the driveway. I decided that I should probably at least shovel the front walk and steps. 

I opened the door to head out and found Kristen ready to come in. I called Paul to help her and continued outside calling for Brooke. 

No Answer. 

I see the sled, keep calling, no answer ... think to myself "why don't they EVER answer me?" and then I saw her .. well I saw her feet

She was laying on her back in the area between the retaining walls that frame the walk out. I see her boots, her snow pants and she's kicking her feet ... still I didn't think too much .. snow angel?  

I'm guessing I talked to her for another 15 - 20 seconds before I realized that she was not answering me and I could not see her face, or any part of her head for that matter.

That was the moment that a gigantic wave of fear washed over me ... she was BURIED in the snow. I got to where I thought her head was as fast as I could, I dug the snow with my hands. It seemed like I dug for long enough where I should have been able to see her face .. but I couldn't find her. It all seemed like it was taking TOO long. I moved enough snow where I could pull her free by her waist.

She flopped forward and when I pulled her back to see her face .. she was blue, her eyes were open and fixed, her pupils were pinpoint, snow was covering her nose and mouth. 

I was in over my head, former EMT or not, I needed help. I had my cell in my pocket ... I tried to dial 911 while clearing her airway at the same time. My gloves were wet so the touch wouldn't register. I took my gloves off but it was still snowing and my phone was wet ... I pressed the 9, then the 1 but I got 122

All the while I'm trying to dial ... I'm shaking her, screaming her name, screaming for help and, finally, she gasps and starts to come around .. at first she's disorientated. By now, I've gotten the call to go through, they transfer me to the ambulance, and I retell my tale to the dispatcher. The ambulance is on the way ....

The ambulance arrived, drove by and got stuck turning around. By now we are in the house slowly warming the hand that she was using to try to free herself. They made their way down the driveway on foot, checked her vitals, listened to her lungs "they're clear" the paramedic declared. We finished the paperwork and they were on their way. 

I'm pretty sure they weren't even at the end of the driveway when I announced that there was no more playing the snow. That day pictures of families enjoying the snow dotted my FB timeline .. picture of kids in snow forts, tunnels and caves. I could literally feel my chest tighten looking at those pictures. 

When I called 911 they asked how long she was under the snow and I was embarrassed that I didn't know. The girls are 5 and 8, the house is way off the road now so I feel safe letting them play while I keep a watchful eye out the windows. Thinking back I am fairly certain that she had fallen backwards off the wall into the drift a few seconds before I rounded the corner .. I clearly remember her feet moving.

We lost a hat and a glove in the snow that day and they stayed buried for about a month. I tried to look one day but when I got to the basement door I couldn't open it. 

Paul went out one night after work and dug ... she desperately wanted her Elsa Flippeez hat from Garrett and Livy back ... I was ready to buy a new one

 This is where she fell off the retaining wall, backwards, into the drift. You can see the rocks peeking through the snow but you couldn't that day. Her feet were by that little blue lawn chair poking out of the snow. The force of her fall must have pushed her down into the snow.

Paul had to dig down almost 18 inches before he found the hat and gloves....

We have more rules now - always stay together, one comes in, you both come in, and no playing in the back yard .. plenty of room in the FRONT yard. 

- I'm not sure why I decided to help with snow removal that day
- I'm not sure why I grabbed my phone and shoved it in my pocket on the way out the door
- I'm not sure why I didn't stop to help Kris when she decided to come in at the moment I was going out
- I'm not sure why I went to find Brooke before grabbing my shovel or clearing the steps

It doesn't really matter why I did what I did ... I try hard not to even contemplate what could have happened

Because You Just Never Know ....

Cancer SUCKS .. I know, I state the obvious. 

Over the summer of 2014 I traded texts with my dear friend outside of Chicago who continues to wage her war on breast cancer. 

In November, I went to a very well attended benefit dinner for my cousin's son, Jordan. A few days later he celebrated his 22nd birthday and then began to prepare for his next cancer surgery.

In January our little friend, Simon, began his war on ALL - Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. There is a benefit concert scheduled at the end of the month, on his 2nd birthday.

Sadly, my experiences, my stories, they are not unique....this is why I Relay.

I've been involved with the American Cancer Society and Relay For Life events for more than 10 years. 

I signed up for the Relay at Conn College on April 18th. 

April 18th is....was.... my grandfather's birthday. In 1990, while I was out of the country on a class trip he died...complications of his cancer. He has been gone a long time and I still miss him today. I really, really wish that he had known Paul and the girls. 

So I Relay .. for those who left us too soon, for those who fight on and because you just never know ...