Kindness Counts

I read a book recently that talked about the power of affirmations. It was so bold as to say "DROWN YOURSELF IN AFFIRMATIONS" .. the author talks about training your brain to think differently. She says "Figure out what affirmations you need to hear the most and repeat them all day long in your head, in the car, while you're walking down the street.." Anyway, you get the idea. 

So I'm reading this book and trying to figure out what I need to hear most at a time when there is all sorts of chaos in our lives -- school is out, work hours are shortened, our summer childcare situation is so confusing and convoluted that my head wants to explode. 

I'm having a conversation with a really good friend and she says "I'm just going to keep doing what I know is right because I know in my heart I am a good person" .. when I read what she typed in that text message - I thought to myself .. I need to print that up and tape it to the bathroom wall .. so it is the first thing I see in the morning. I shared my plan with my friend -- she mentioned that we have a mutual friend who might cross-stitch it for me. Much less rednecky than my taped piece of printer paper to the wall idea!

I ask my cross-stitching friend if I could pay her to make my vision come to life. She agrees to do it. I tell her my colors and she comes up with a design and I love it. We agreed that she could get to it whenever because she has other projects in process to finish first. 

Fast forward a couple of months.....

The last few weeks have been particularly hectic at work and at home, add in that Paul's start time has been pushed back and he is routinely home after 8pm. This last week has been really trying ... like I'm ready for bed at 8:30 and making my way there closer to 11. 

A few mornings ago, I made my way to the work kitchen to heat up some breakfast and glanced at the mailboxes on my way by. I could see that something was in mine and I think I sighed out loud. You know the sigh that says "what now???"

When I finally made my way to check it ... I was so pleasantly surprised. There it was, my affirmation. Exactly the way I envisioned it - in the colors I asked for, complete with a beautiful blue frame.  I couldn't thank her right away, because she was away from her desk. 

When I finally caught up with her. I told her how it was perfect - exactly the way I pictured it in my head and I asked her what I owed her. 

"Nothing."  She said.

I argued "I didn't want this to cost you anything"

"It cost me nothing to make"

"but your time" I said ...

"You do nice things for people all the time. I wanted to do something for you" She replied. 

I am filled with gratitude for her friendship and kindness. That beautiful project will eventually make its way to the place I planned for it to hang .. but for now it sits on my desk at work, where I glance it several times a day. #kindnesscounts

Worst of Times, Best of Times

I think September 11, 2001 is the JFK assassination of my lifetime. I remember where I was, what people said, what I thought, what I was afraid of and how the nation reacted. My parents talk about that November day with that same clarity. 

I wrote about that day a long time ago here on Romanskiville in a post called That Day Changed Me ... 

In September 2001, I was in the middle of a messy divorce and had moved home to my parents basement. While I was happy to have the support of my family, there's something humbling about living in your parents basement at 29. 

A few weeks after the attack, the company I worked for won the disaster recovery contract for a company that had been housed in the World Financial Center across from the World Trade Center. I packed my bags and headed for a hotel in Stamford, CT to work with another 10 or so employees. Our task was to build new offices and set up the technology for the displaced employees. 

The work was physically demanding - unpacking big monitors and computers and lugging them to their new desks. The days were long, sometimes 14-16 hours - building machine after machine. It was a perfect time for me to be away and super busy - my legal issues were easy to ignore and living in a basement in someone else's house meant I had little responsibility. 

The work filled me with purpose, something I desperately needed. We worked with a team of employees from the other company. One told us how he ran down the street with his briefcase on his head to protect himself from the falling debris. One day someone brought the team leader from the other company an envelope of some personal effects from her desk. When the WTC collapsed it blew out 4 floors in the World Financial Center and only a handful of people were ever allowed back inside. When she slid the picture frame from the envelope, it was a picture of her kids. The glass was cracked and pieces of glass clinked around. A single tear rolled down her cheek. So many were gone, so many spared because they were late, at a class, or in a meeting somewhere else. Talk about perspective. 

We worked for about 3 weeks before the first wave of employees arrived to their new location. Some talked about the 3+ hours to get to Stamford. Some had traveled from New Jersey to Grand Central and, finally, on to Stamford. The site lead for our team had gotten us all red, long sleeve t-shirts to wear that first day in order to make the "the IT Guys" easy to identify. 

"Your computer won't turn on? Find someone in a red shirt" "Can't login? find someone in a red shirt." Simple, but effective.

An elevator of us IT guys were heading back to work from lunch that day ... the elevator doors opened and there were employees waiting to board.

"Hey, it's the red shirt people." a voice announced. 

One said "Thank you" and then one clapped and then they all clapped and someone whistled. The IT guys didn't know what to do, we awkwardly slapped a few high fives as we exited, assured them it was nothing, and went on our way. 

I've been in IT a long time - no one ever cheered for me before that day and no one has since. 

That moment was such a reality check for me ... something that seemed so routine and maybe insignificant was really a big deal to people who had been through so much. I think many were relieved to be back to work, to be able to start to get back into a routine. 

A few month later, the people who worked that project received some letters of thanks from division presidents and this little Lucite apple. "For your courage and commitment" was etched in it.

I didn't feel like I had been very courageous or that I had done anything special. At the time, I didn't realize how life changing that experience was.  

I still have that apple. It reminds me of the people that I worked with on that project. It reminds me of the gratitude of the employees who were so happy to have a place to do their work. That silly little piece of plastic reminds me of a time when I found strength and courage when I thought I had none. 

It reminds me of the worst of times and how they can show you the glimmer of the best of people and times. 

In the Most Unexpected Places...

Yesterday, in Subway, I was fumbling for change when I heard "Did you know Grace?"

For a split second, I froze and thought "how did you know that?" Then I remembered my Gracelet sandwiched between my watch and my Fitbit. When we made eye contact, I smiled and quietly said "Grace was one of our babysitters" 

"Oh" she said softly. I asked if she knew Grace from school. She did.

I told her that I'm on my 3rd Gracelet, because when her mom sees that my words have worn off, she sneaks a new one my way. I told her how I can't throw my old ones away - that one is in my office at work and another on the emergency brake in my car. She smiled.

Then she made my change and told me to have a good day and we thanked her and left.

The whole thing was so unexpected that I didn't look to see if she had one on, been kicking myself for that one ... I would have parted with mine in a second so that she could have it.

I wished I had said something more reassuring or comforting to her. I think it must have been hard for her to ask me about something that, obviously, made her sad. I saw that familiar look in her eyes.

I'm so thankful for these Gracelets that so many of us wear. They allow for those chance meetings in the checkout line of the local fast food joint. Those opportunities to think of her and smile with a complete stranger. They are a visible reminder that with Grace we will carry on. 

She touched so many people, in so many ways and these thin bands of aqua circled around our wrists are a symbol that we are not alone.

#GraceisAllAround

We Won't be the Same

One year. Three hundred and sixty-five days. Without you here.

I still look for you - when I pass the window of Irene's on my way into the dining room or when I pass a Jeep on Scotland Road. I wonder - will I ever stop?

This grief, it's new for me, almost shocking in a way. How could someone I really only knew for a short amount of time affect me this way? It speaks to the person you are.

You radiated joy, kindness, humor and love. There was no better place for you than here on Earth - "sprinkling that shit everywhere" 💜

You were going to do amazing things and now, well, now you're doing amazing things somewhere else. 

This last year has changed the way we are living our lives - less talking, more doing. We're focused on what matters most. Our plans are thoughtful and deliberate, ensuring they are in line with our priorities. We're focused on quality, not quantity.

We are working our way to being whole again. We will never be the same. We shouldn't be the same. We don't want to be the same. 

We will continue to live with Grace. #Graceisallaround

Focus

Last week, I spent a lot of time and energy on things that didn't matter. Things I had no control over. Too much time annoyed by people who can't or won't change.

Monday, I had lunch with a friend. Later that night I met with people who share an interest in bettering the schools in our city. 

Tuesday, Brooke and I started working on sorting the playroom. Time to offload some of the play food and things we've outgrown.

Wednesday, I spent quiet moments with my soon to be middle school girl, talking about next year, the book we both read this summer, what book we were going to read sitting poolside.

Thursday, we rented Hidden Figures and watched together over Iced Coffee and talked about the amazing women the characters represented. 

Friday, we sat poolside until the thunder and lightening forced us to the porch. We were super excited when our neighbors joined us to hang out. We laughed, joked, and reminisced about our vacation together in April. 

Today, started with a 4 mile walk with another friend and her chocolate lab. She is super smart and we often extend our route so we have longer to talk. Paul headed off to work and Brooke and I cooked - veggie egg cups, brown rice, quinoa, and dirt cups(can you guess who picked the dirt cups). Laundry is going and we're getting ready to hit the Rose Arts and head to the beach to listen to our friend's band play. 

I ran or walked every day. I made steady progress on a couple of things around the house. 

I talked to my best friend for a few minutes almost every day this week - which might not seem like much - but really was huge.

It really was a pretty amazing week. I just needed to readjust my focus.

It's all about Communication

It is unbelievable to me that today is March 21 .... it has been almost a month since I posted here. I never spend as much time as I want writing, but I write more than the updates on Romanskiville show.  For example, I've spent the last couple of days - preparing to speak during public comment at our monthly Board of Education meeting. They were approving a budget tonight, to take to the city, but I chose another topic .. because I think the way things work now need to change. I think we can do a better job .. if we just talked to each other instead of at each other ...

Heather Romanski, 297 Scotland Road, mother of 2 daughters who attend the nationally recognized Moriarty Environmental Sciences Magnet School. (I say that every time I speak because I want everyone to remember that we are doing AH-Mazing things in our Norwich schools)

Earlier this month I attended a special BOE meeting where the only agenda items were related to school facilities. That night it was standing room only and while I’ve attended every BOE meeting since May 2016 - it was the first time that I didn’t have a seat. I think there was almost an hour of public comment that night and I’m pretty sure the policy says that as a board you have the right to limit the comments on 1 topic to 30 minutes, so as a parent and taxpayer, I thank you for allowing everyone an opportunity to be heard.

As person after person went to the mic, I heard many parents lament that they had no idea this facilities review was taking place and I got the impression that many seemed to feel like they had been kept in the dark. As someone who regularly attends your meetings as well as the Facilities Review Committee meetings, I was a little frustrated by that. You might remember that when I took my turn at the microphone, I said that I was moved by the number of people in the room and then invited the audience to keep attending and stay involved, knowing full well that I would most likely be solo in the front row again. From my perspective, in the short time that I have personally started to pay more attention to education in our city one thing has become apparent to me …. we have a communication problem. I would be thrilled to have to stand up at every BOE meeting that I attend because there are so many people in the room, but I won’t hold my breath. So how are we going to fix this problem? How do we get more parents engaged before there is a controversial, big ticket item on the list? I have some ideas … but we - parents and the BOE - we have no vehicle to have an actual conversation. While I appreciate the opportunity to speak to you during public comment and genuinely believe that it is a valuable part of the process - it does not allow for brainstorming or collaboration. A few months ago when I was leaving a meeting, someone mentioned in passing that the month before when I spoke I wasn’t as negative as usual and this individual sometimes wished that I just made a call” … I know it sounds so easy - but there are no phone numbers listed on the website - just email addresses and more often than not, I don’t get a response. Mr. Aldi, you’re the only member who consistently responds to every email I’ve sent  -  thank you.

I don’t need to tell you the world we live in is different than it was 10 years ago and what worked back then isn’t always as effective today but I honestly believe that the parents of our students are committed to our schools - they might not sit through every BOE meeting or attend every public hearing - but they care. Coming to a meeting and speaking at public comment maybe isn’t their thing … did you ever consider that this forum can be a tiny little bit intimidating? When you attend events in the district are you having casual conversations with parents? I’m asking you to think outside of the box and find ways to foster connections with the people you were elected to represent. 5:30 on the 2nd Tuesday of the month might not work for everyone.

Tonight, I’d like to personally extend an invitation to each of you to attend a pasta dinner at the Knights of Columbus in Taftville on Thursday, April 6. The tickets are $5 each and I have them with me tonight. The proceeds of the event go to the Moriarty PTO. Come alone, or bring your families - we'd love to have you. The event starts at 4:30 so you could load up on carbs before attending the city budget hearing later that night.  I hope to see many of you there.

It is Well

All morning, as I was getting ready for Church, I was thinking about and humming the hymn "It is Well" quietly in the bathroom .. there was a chance that there was going to be a Hymn sing at service today and I was thinking of some of my favorites.

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll

Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say

It is well, it is well, with my soul

It is well

With my soul

It is well, it is well with my soul

We got to Church a minute or two after 10 and they had already started announcements. Those first few minutes after our arrival are always a bit hectic - we're settling into our pews,(at least one of my kids sits behind me with our friend Linda), I'm writing my pledge check, filling out my prayer request form, finding collection money for the girls ... it is a process. 

The last week was a bit discombobulated - the girls had 2 days off, I had 2 days off, Paul was on vacation all week, we were anticipating the surgery of a dear family member, Paul had a couple of doctor appointments and this coming week has something scheduled every night. I've been feeling anxiety and uneasiness with that all swirling in my head.

Times when I'm feeling like that are when I appreciate my time at Church the most. The physical building - with the big, old colonial windows and the simple but majestic mahogany cross above the alter brings me peace. Now that the girls are older and off to Sunday School, I really get to be present during the rest of my time in the sanctuary. 

It came to the time in our service when someone from the Congregation reads the scripture lesson. Today, it was from Matthew 17 and while I was fumbling to find the page in my pew bible I heard the liturgist say "it well that we are here" ... my head snapped up and I thought "did I hear that right?' ... I quickly re-read the passage on the pages in front of me ... "Lord, it is good for us to be here" .. now the reader was using the big bible that never leaves the alter and often differs from the pew bible so I chalked it up to that but visibly smiled when I thought  "it is well that we are here"

What's funny is that when I started to write this post I spent 10 -15 minutes looking for the translation that uses that verbiage - "it is well that we are here" .. I cannot find it...most of them say "it is good that we are here", so now I wonder if that is what he said at all. Did I hear what I wanted to hear? I don't know and, frankly, it doesn't matter. I heard the message that was intended for me....

It is well

With my soul