For years when people I cared about were going through a hard time, I often said "whatever you need, just let me know." For the longest time, I never noticed that one ever really asked for anything. I interpreted it as "they must be all set" when more likely, they didn't know what to ask.
I'm lucky to have lived a pretty charmed life. My parents are still married to this day, no catastrophic family illnesses, or things that tend to knock the wind out of your sails for a long time.
There was my divorce when I was 29, but I was lucky to have friends who didn't ask what I needed, they seemed to instinctively know. It wasn't something that I consciously noticed until years later.
Sometime in the last 10 years, I read an article that talked about how good our intentions are when we say "Let me know if you need anything" but how really unhelpful that can be. The reason being sometimes whatever we're going through or trying to manage is so big, so hard, SO much, that we don't have any idea what to even ask for. The article gave really practical suggestions on how to adapt your approach. As I read, I started to think about times when people had called and offered very specific things and how it actually was so much easier to accept or amend their offer.
There was the time when I had a new baby, and my cousin came to sit with her so I could walk the dog for an hour on a gorgeous September afternoon. Then there was the 2nd baby and my sister called to ask if she could come over on Mother's Day and we could order pizza for lunch. When she got here, she asked what was on my list that day.
"I need to go to Walmart." I told her.
"OK, we can go after lunch and get whatever you have on your list" She volunteered.
What a gift.
When we were building the house, my best friend called during the week and asked if she could take the girls for lunch and to see the Alpacas on Saturday.
"Maybe you'd be able to paint or pack while they aren't home?" she suggested.
Unbelievable!
As I processed that article I was reading, I decided right then and there, I was changing my approach when I offered my assistance. My go to offer is to drop off a meal when a new baby arrives. Especially, if it isn't their first baby. Everyone thinks that first baby is the hardest. In my experience, we had so much help the first time - meals for days. The second baby arrives, and everyone thinks you've got it all figured out. You do, sort of, but now there are even more people that need to eat! I've adopted the "I'd like to drop off dinner next week, I could do Monday or Thursday - what day is best for you?" I can't think of a time when my offer has been declined.
When my friend's daughter was killed in a car accident, we had no idea how to help or provide any kind of support. I kept thinking that in that particular situation, what she needed was her daughter back and that was impossible. She lived in our neighborhood so one morning I sent a text...
"I'm going to Stop and Shop later, if I can pick anything up for you, just shoot me a text. I can text when I am on the way and leave it at your front door."
A little while later, she replied.
"Can you get me a bottle of Dawn? Like the blue Dawn with the duck on the label? I asked my aunt and she got me Palmolive, I know this sounds silly, but it's not the same."
"Doesn't sound silly to me at all. If you think of more stuff during the day, I'm not going until after work. Happy to pick up whatever."
She was grateful to have something familiar - like Dawn - but not have to go to the store. What I never told her was how grateful I was to do something as simple and ordinary as pick up $20 worth of items for her.
I think that's the thing, right? Sometimes we're so tired, frustrated or overwhelmed by whatever - grief, loneliness, anger, pain - that we do need help, but we have no idea how to even verbalize it.
So that's I what do now. I call or text and make a specific offer. I can't think of a time since I've changed my approach when it hasn't been accepted or altered in a way that fits the current need.
The next time you catch yourself about to say "let me know if you need anything" I challenge you to take a different approach.
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