Breathless

On Sunday, I took the girls to a friend's birthday party at the movie theater. I stood against the wall in the party room, chatting with the other moms. I turned to pick something up or put something down and someone caught my eye. 

A tall, thin teenager with long hair walked by. I walked to the door and took a step into the corridor. I wanted to call out to her .... like you see on those dramatic TV series .... when the character thinks they saw the person that is gone. For a fleeting second, I thought she was still physically here. Then I realized it wasn't her, for another second I stopped breathing and it felt like there was a rock on my chest. My friend looked at me and asked if I was OK. I explained, through tears. She put her arm around me and then back to the party we went. 

No one saw the turn of events of the summer coming and my life was profoundly impacted by her passing. I think of her often - her beauty, her kindness, her fun-loving spirit, her Grace. 

We're different for knowing her and forever changed by the loss of her physical presence. 

We'll never be the same, nor would we want to be. 

"répondez, s'il vous plaît"

RSVP .... 

What does that really mean? According to my research, it comes from the French phrase "répondez, s'il vous plaît" ... translation [Respond, please]

Generally there is date that you should respond by - you know let the person who issued the invitation know if you'll be there or not. 

I struggle with this, well just with the getting people to let me know if they are coming. I have no problem letting people know if we're attending or sending our regrets.

Here are some myths about RSVPing I believe exist ...

Myth 1: When I call to say "Yes" or "No" I will get sucked into a long phone conversation and I don't have time for that

I spend a large majority of my day talking to people - in person AND on the phone. When I get home, I'm not in the mood for a long conversation either. 

Call when you know we aren't home and talk to the machine - she hangs up after 60 seconds so that is your maximum commitment. Email or text work too. 

Myth 2: If I say "No" they will make me feel guilty or bad for not attending.

Maybe that happens other places, but not here in Romanskiville, we offer guilt-free and no excuse required RSVPs. We're completely satisfied with "We're not coming to xyz."  If you don't want to come, a simple no is great. There really is no need to say "I just don't know if I want to come" ... really .. no need for that level of transparency

I want to know how much I'm going to need to buy ... how many plates, favors, pizza and drinks. Now some of that stuff keeps and can be used at other events but not always with the food. If I'm cooking - how much of an effort am I undertaking? If I'm outsourcing food, how much am I ordering? How many cupcakes or what size cake do I need? Who wants to host the party where there isn't enough to eat (we've been to parties like that). I also don't want to order 10 pizzas when 5 would have been plenty. It is a matter of efficiency.

Myth 3: They know we're coming

Actually if you didn't tell us "yes", we don't assume! You've heard that old adage "When you assume, you make an ......." Yeah, that ..... 

From the middle of August to now, we've had a handful of events - chasing RSVPs every. single. time.  One of those events is Brooke's birthday -- where you have to invite the WHOLE class if you send invites through school. Twenty-five invitations went out ... I've heard from TWO parents ... TWO. I'm still waiting for a handful of non school invitees too - not counting the peeps who are vacationing or travelling the USA. 

The actual "reply by" date on the invitation is tomorrow so I'm holding out hope for a flurry of text notifications or emails. We'll see.

I should mention that our niece excels at RSVPs, I am certain that she opens the email/envelope, decides if it is of interest, checks her calendar and responds right then. If there was an Olympic event for RSVPs, she would win the gold. 

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

Tonight was the first Board of Ed meeting in Norwich. Want to make any wagers on if I was in attendance?

If you had money on "yes, you were there" .. ding ding ding WINNER!

I spoke during public comment in May - pretty eloquently - imploring the BOE to take a long, hard look at the way they budget AND spend their money. Then I went back in June and, you guessed it, spoke again.

In July, I met with the Superintendent and in August with her and the Chairperson of the BOE. 

I'm serious and I'm not going away. I'm passionate about this and will not be deterred.

Last week, I tossed around the idea of speaking at tonight's meeting. I could share with them what I said at Moriarty Back to School night. I could tell them how I issued a challenge to the families to attend ONE more event than they did the previous year and to volunteer one more time. Then I should challenge them, the BOE, to talk to one more parent than they did last year, one more teacher, attend one more event, or return ONE freaking email from an interested, engaged parent. 

After writing Highs and Lows, I thought I could share that with them. Tell them that the highs and lows that are getting shared around my table all relate to their time at school. They love music, technology, gym, and writing. The lows are things like "when we were done with our science experiment" or "when I had to leave school for the day - I LOVE school" I would tell them that I do not think I have a unique experience, that my kids are representative of many our students. That our staff is doing really AMAZING work and it shows in our students. 

So after thoughtful deliberation, I decided not to speak at all .. I figured who wants to get the reputation for being "that mother" who is always complaining. 

Tonight I attended the meeting, I listened, I took notes. There are things I heard that make me shake my head .. I heard things that literally wanted to send me running from the room, hands in the air, screaming. There were things I heard that made me believe - there is much work to do. 

I got in my car to head home and thought .. I should have. I could have. If I could do it again, I would ..... 

I'm not dwelling on the the shoulda, coulda, woulda ... it might be different next time. 

Highs and Lows

Before I met Paul and while he was going through his divorce he was adopted by some friends from the neighborhood. They invited him to dinner, to family game night - they were really good to him during a difficult time. One of their family "traditions" was to go around the dinner table and share their "highs and lows" - what was the best thing that happened today? what was your low? I can remember Paul smiling when he shared the experience with me. I tried this in the old house - I'm not sure how old the girls were - but they were too little. Their high was often their low too. Sometimes when you said "what was the best thing that happened to you today? you got "can I have more melon?"

Last night I decided to give it another whirl, I mean we have big girls now. 

SUCCESS! Tonight, after rain chased us from the Soccer field, we warmed up with soup and grilled cheese. Kristen was done first. 

"May I be excused?"

"No, you have to stay at the table and talk to your sister and I" I said.

She sighs - annoyed - then Brooke remembers highs and lows. 

"We have to do highs and lows Kristen. What was your high?"

"Art - we started our fish habitats" Kristen shares with a big smile. Brooke and I share. Then we share lows. Tonight they each had a "low LOW" .... they both said "having to leave school at the end of the day"
[I hope you read this Mrs. Pellerin]

I love the conversation it generates. I love that it gives me an opportunity to help them hone their critical thinking skills. What about that made you so happy? Why was that your low? Why is leaving school at the end of the day your low? We are engaging in conversation and they are enjoying it.

I'm committed to making these little moments more regular. To creating these experiences that, I hope, help shape them into kind and thoughtful tiny humans. 

"There's never enough time for what matters, but there is always time for what matters most" 

Yes, there absolutely is. 

Back to School Night

Tonight was the Back to School BBQ at Moriarty Magnet School. As president of the PTO, I speak and try to get more people helping our cause. I also take time to acknowledge our faculty and staff. I genuinely believe that the staff at Moriarty are some of the FINEST in the business and I thank my lucky stars EVERY day that this is where Brooke and Kristen spend their days. I was a little overwhelmed by the turnout .... I have to tell you that cafeteria WAS PACKED ... for a second it took my breath away. 

I was making the rounds visiting classrooms and referred to my "speech" it was only then I realized most of the people I was praising were in their classrooms, anxiously awaiting their new students. So here it is ... I hope every Moriarty Environmental Sciences Magnet School teacher reads this and has some small idea of how much their work is valued. 

Good Evening - It is so exciting to see so many of you here tonight! I’m Heather Romanski, PTO President and mom to a 2nd and 5th grader here at Moriarty Environmental Sciences Magnet School or should I say “the Nationally Recognized Moriarty Environmental Sciences Magnet School”  I don’t know about you, but I am so proud of the hard work and dedication of our faculty and staff that went into winning that award in May 2016.  Please join me in a round of applause for these AMAZING people!

If you are new to Moriarty, you are in for quite a treat. Our children spend their days with some of the finest educators I’ve had the privilege to work with. We are so fortunate that our staff is full of smart, caring, innovative and resourceful teachers. Our faculty and staff has one of the MOST important jobs there is, they are training our future scientists, engineers, computer programmers and environmental activists. One day a Moriarty Alum might be the superintendent of a school district, a senator, or an olympic athlete. Did you know that a student who studied at Moriarty just competed in the Summer Olympics in Rio?  

Research shows that students perform better when their families are engaged. This year, I’m challenging you to volunteer one more time than you did last year. Just one more time. To attend ONE more event than you did last year. I’m asking you to be an active partner in our Moriarty Family, because that's what we are here - a family. We’re looking for help across the board … cutting up boxtops, helping in our gardens, helping our students compost, or helping to staff our book fair. Maybe you have an amazing idea to engage and excite our community...please share it! We’d love to have you stop in at a PTO meeting, but if that isn’t your thing - we’ll find a way for you to share your talents or your time.

Thanks so much - hope to see you soon!

Where I'm Supposed to Be

Celebrating every day things. Being content with what you have. Making time for what is important. Not settling. Being the best I can be for me, so that I can be the best I can for my husband and my girls. 

This is my mission statement. This is what matters most. 

This shift started when I filed for divorce in 2001 .... I was never going to find the happiness, mutual respect or love that everyone dreams of there. I lost a lot when I left that marriage - mostly material things. I came to terms with that pretty quickly and can remember saying to someone who was having a harder time watching me grieve my relationship -  "It's stuff. In 10 years from now I'm going to be remarried, have the family I've longed for, and be living my happily ever after. In 10 years, he's going to have my STUFF .. I think I actually said F$%^ING STUFF." Then I met Paul, and  we went out, and then there was that time we talked on the phone for 5 hours .... then I moved in, a proposal, a wedding, a baby, a promotion, another baby .... Guess what ... ten years later, I WAS living my happily ever after and, the ex, he had been married and divorced for the 5th time. 

In 2012, we designed and built a house that we love. It was another dream come true. We were enjoying our space and and loving our time together as "The Core Four". There were changes at work and I was growing increasingly unhappy, but I had achieved so much success and the salary that came with that - we weren't in a position where I could just walk away. 

In 2014 the decision was made for me. A Thursday morning meeting and Friday was my last day. In all honesty, I think that was emotionally harder to deal with than my divorce. Have you ever been laid off? It hurts your feelings, like you added no value, that your contributions were inconsequential. If I had not already known that I was with the right guy - that time - was the icing on the cake. Never got angry, never showed stress, never let the circumstances get the best of him. When I interviewed and didn't get an offer he would shake his head and smile and say "boy did they miss out" or "whoever they picked - not gonna do the job you would have"... and when he said it, he believed it. That makes you believe it and that my friends is the best gift ever. 

In January 2015, I was offered an IT job on a college campus. I accepted the job - not only did I think I would be good at it but it was close to home and the thought of commuting back and forth to Hartford made my head hurt. It took me a while to figure things out -- higher ed was all new -- but then things started to fall into place. I know how to do my job and I do it well. My role marries the 2 things that bring me joy - technology and people. My colleagues have become fast friends. 

Yesterday, the first year students moved in. Campus is congested, the Service Desk is BUSY, and there are times when it is just plain chaotic. In a quiet moment, I sent a chat message to co-worker and said "I know this is going to sound crazy - I LOVE move-in day!" 

It took some time and the road was twisted and rocky, but here I am living the dream ... married to the man I am "supposed" to be married to and doing the work that was made for me. 

I'm where I'm supposed to be ...... Amen.

You are So Beautiful

A girl's self esteem peaks at AGE 9

62% of girls are insecure

2% of women describe themselves as beautiful

91% of women hate their bodies

As a woman and a mother of two beautiful daughters ... these statistics speak to me.

Earlier tonight a friend shared this trailer for a film called Embrace .. WOW! 

I was so moved as I watched it. I hope you'll click on the link above and watch for the 2 minutes it plays. 

I used to be skinny. It is unfortunate that I can't find a picture of me in the little black dress I wore to my 30th birthday party .. smokin' hot. Then I had a baby, a second baby and then I turned 40. You're pulled in a million directions and your metabolism retires. 

A few years ago, I decided I was going to start running again. I wanted to lose weight, I wanted to be that skinny girl in the black dress that turned heads when she walked to the bar to get a drink and I did. Well, I didn't get THAT skinny but I dropped close to 30 pounds. It lasted for a while and then it was back. 

In January, I got serious again about exercise. The motivation was different this time - my knees hurt, my feet hurt, I was tired of low energy. It wasn't so much about the weight, more about being fit and strong. It was more about protecting what I had from all the "stuff" that I'm predisposed to like joint problems and osteoporosis. 

This summer I've lost a bit of my focus - the humidity was obnoxious, we stay up too late making it hard to get up early, and we lost someone so dear to our family and, frankly, I was just sad. 

Then a 2 minute and 12 second movie trailer shows up on my Facebook feed. It reminded me that beauty is so much more than the exterior, than a number on the scale, than a size on the tag of the that not-so little black dress. 

I'm beautiful [and it is really hard to type that, even now] but I AM. I am kind. I am thoughtful. I am generous. I am funny. I am a nurturer. I am a thinker. I am a dreamer. I am a Do'er. I am an advocate. I am passionate. I am a provider. I am a good friend. I am a runner. I am a fighter. I am strong. I AM beautiful. 

"This body of mine - it's not an ornament, it's a vehicle" Taryn Brumfitt

Why does this move me?  Because A girl's self esteem peaks at AGE 9 ... on September 3rd, my daughter, turns 10. 

So to my daughter I offer Taryn's words:

You might not be the skinniest or the fastest but this body of yours - it's not an ornament, it's a vehicle. It will take you places and "Darling Girl, don't waste a single day being at war with your body, just embrace it"

#Ihaveembraced