It will all work out ....

I've been telling myself for 4 weeks that getting laid off was not earth shattering, that it was for the best. I told myself it was the push I needed, that I had not been happy for some time. I shook my head in agreement and smiled when people told me "it will all work out"  Some days I even believed it.

It has gotten easier as time has gone by. The sting and hurt dissipates. As you are reading job postings and working on your collateral you remember that you are smart, skilled, and have talents that will be recognized and valued. 

You know and start to believe wholeheartedly that you ARE going to be better off. You stay positive, you keep the faith and you hold out for a day where you see visible results.  

That was TODAY ... 

I spent some time with a career counselor who offered terrific advice on my resume.  I spent a couple of hours implementing the changes and I feel like it accurately reflects what I have to offer. I had a brief phone interview with a company and even though I stumbled and stuttered a bit and momentarily fell silent when they asked for salary requirements, they asked me to come see their place. I finally connected with a recruiter and we're meeting to review my resume and opportunities on Friday.  While I was at a dinner tonight, I was approached about doing some short term IT training as a consultant. 

I'm not sure where tomorrow leads, or if I'm up to the commute it would involve .. but I'm sitting here right now and for the first time in 4 weeks I am excited about what the future holds because it WILL all work out. 

  

There's an interesting fact for ya ....

I tell you my girls say the FUNNIEST stuff ever, I love talking to them at this stage in their lives - they have such an interesting perspective (and they have NO filter)

I'm in the kitchen, preparing dinner.  Hot dogs and baked beans heating on the stove top, macaroni and cheese and french fries in the oven, and blueberries in a strainer in the sink. 

Brooke enters the kitchen and spies the blueberries.

Brooke: "Oh we have BLUEBERRIES????"

Me: "Yes, we do. Two containers in fact, they were buy one, get one free"

Brooke: "I LOVE blueberries so much"

Me: "I know they are your favorite fruit"

Brooke: "And they are good for you too"

Me: "Yes, they are VERY good for you. They have lots of anti-oxidants"

Brooke: "And they make your poop green"

Me: Stunned silence

Brooke: "There's an interesting fact for ya. Call me when dinner's ready please"

It's a lot like the way it used to be

Weekends around Romanskiville are the times when it seems like nothing has changed. We stay up late on Fridays and sleep in on Saturday mornings. We have dance, bowling, lunch and baths. We usually have dinner at the local pizza joint, Irene's. With the hours Paul works Monday to Friday his to do list for Saturday and Sunday is always too big for the time that he ends up "to himself". 

There is laundry to wash, fold and put away. There are mail and newspapers that we never quite got to during the week. Sometimes there is a birthday party and sometimes we even have plans on a Saturday night. 

Sunday consists of Paul and I heading off to our respective churches, sometimes there is a meeting afterward. Up until last week there was Sunday Night Bowling with Mike and Kim. 

It generally hits me about the same time every Sunday night.  Paul tucks the kids in and I plant myself on the couch with a hot cup of something decaf and watch some TV.  It's then I remember that my job now consists of reading only my personal email account to see what jobs have been identified as potential matches for me and then applying. By the way, that isn't quite 100% .. I've specified jobs in the IT industry in Norwich, CT and today I was advised there is an opening for a Greeter at Friendly's. Last time I was there they were still using a piece of Plexiglass and crayons to track which tables were occupied. 

I'm getting lots of "things" taken care of - Kristen is registered for kindergarten, the dog is legally registered for another year and I'm in the process of getting our tax records straightened out with the assessor .. the city still thinks we have 2 houses. You can now see the entire top surface of our dining room table and kitchen counter.  

Monday through Friday it still seems a little odd not to have 2 computers on my desk, instant messaging pings flashing at the bottom of the screen or having to remember to enter my hours in the dreaded online time entry system. 

The weekend, well it's a lot like the way it used to be .....

It's a lot like dating ..

Today I went to a job fair about 45 mins away. I went for the resume critique and to talk to the people from Robert Half Technologies ... there was no resume review session and the Robert Half table was empty. Well, at least it was a nice drive .. no, not really it rained the whole way there. I did note that we need new wiper blades on the Honda. 

I parked, went inside, checked in and made my way to the 3rd floor. I walked around looking for the schedule of workshops and sessions and there was nothing posted - isn't that something you would post? Anyway, I asked where I could find that information and was directed to a woman near the elevators who had a sheet of paper in her hand. I could look, but couldn't take it because it was HER copy. 

I stopped and leaned against the wall to check something on my phone. I had only been there a minute or two when someone touched my arm and said "When you go home, tell your husband you were the prettiest girl at the job fair" ... the older [than me anyway] Afro-American man that was touching my arm had a big, warm smile on his face while he said that. It took me a few seconds to process what he just said and then I smiled back, thanked him and he made his way to the elevator. 

"Well, at least I look good" I thought to myself. I had obsessed over every wardrobe decision that morning.  Dress? Pants? Heels? Flats? Suit Jacket? Sweater? Hair up or down? Are these earrings too much? 

I had a momentary panic attack on the way there, I looked down and noticed that I hadn't taken the remaining few bits of nail polish off ... SH%^. I did manage to scrape most of it off the hand that I would be using to shake hands with people that I was trying to impress on the remaining drive. 

I made a few laps  around the room taking it all in. I shook a few hands, was directed to take a look at the jobs posted on their company website and then called it a day. 

When a friend of mine heard about my layoff she asked how long I had been with the company.  I told her a few days away from 18.

"EIGHTEEN ... oh man, that's like dating all over again"  and ya know what she was right on ... obsessing over what to wear, thinking about what you say, that awkward getting to know you phase. It IS a lot like dating. 

You have to take steps, whether they are big or small, you have to take them to get anywhere. So I got dressed up and wore high heels and carried a briefcase. It was a reminder to myself that I had done this before and had a good, long run. I can do this again and now I have all this "experience" and confidence I didn't have at 24.

And I got some attention .. even if it was just from a job seeker on his way out the door.  Some steps in the right direction. 

Party Day

At 8:21 this morning, Kristen turned 5. She slept through it because she had an early dose of Benedryl at 5:30 this morning. She has been dealing with a MASSIVE case of hives - an allergic reaction to some medication she has been taking.  She opened some presents before I shuffled her off to school.

She is still covered with hives, itching like crazy but she seemed to enjoy the day.  She loved her playmobile set from Jeanne and her Sophia lawn chair from her sister. Brooke and I sang Happy Birthday to her and she blew out her candle.  I'm betting that she wished for no more spots !!!

High Five

Today, at 8:21 am, Kristen is officially 5 years old.  She was "due" May 17th and my last day of work before maternity leave was May 8th.  I was emailing files and making calls to delegate the final things as Paul was driving me to the hospital at 10:30 pm on May 5th ... from that moment she arrived on May 6th she has made her own way. 

She was unusually quiet when she was born .. so quiet that I thought that there was something wrong .. "she's just nosy" said the nurse .. "her eyes are wide open and she's looking all around" At some point they pissed her off and I exhaled.

She seemed so tiny, so fragile, when we took her home .. she weighed more than Brooke did but she seemed tinier.

She had the most AWESOME hair ever.

She has grown into this really amazing little person.  She is free spirited and rarely shows any fear. She believes that she can do anything. She climbs the ladder first and then wonders how she'll get down. 

She is thoughtful and sensitive.  She nurtures and loves wholeheartedly. 

She hates morning and loves to stay up late at night reading just like her dad. She loves chips and guacamole just like her mom. She hates shoes and is physically "tough" .. surgery on both eyes at 3 and it never phased her. She loves to play with other kids, she and her sister are the best of friends. 

In a few months, she is going to Kindergarten ... school ... she is ready but I'm not sure that her parents are. She is growing up TOO fast. 

Happy Birthday Kris !!!  You were the perfect "final addition" to our family !!!

Tiny Dancers

The dance recital pictures came in the mail on Saturday .. oh my they look like stars !!!

Kristen -  Tap

Brooke - Hip Hop

One Week Later

So it has been a full week since I was told that after Friday, I no longer had a job.  It has been interesting to say the least .. I am not in any sort of rhythm, I have no routine,  and I still have no job.

Last Thursday at 8:00 was the dreaded phone call, at 9:00 I had a dentist appointment ... to get a filling.  Seriously, you can't make this stuff up. 

That afternoon I picked up the girls at daycare and Brooke was running around the car all flustered, something about not being able to get to her side. I was not in the mood for the drama, told her to give me her backpack and get in the car. I added that I had a stressful day and just wanted to go home. 

" I have had a particularly stressful day myself. I owe a recess for NO reason, I wasn't doing ANYthing that I should have to OWE recess for" Brooke tells me.  Was she seriously thinking her day was worse than mine? "Whatever, get in the damn car" I think to myself. 

Friday, off they all went and I spent the day changing emails, letting people know the scoop, and poking around on the internet for jobs.  I showered and wrapped a present for my friend who recently turned 60.  I picked up the girls, met a friend at the house, she jumped into my car and we dropped the girls with my mother in law. My friend and I joined 2 other friends and off we went to a nice restaurant to celebrate that birthday. I thought about cancelling, but figured I could use the company and the wine. 

Saturday was the usual and Sunday the girls and I headed to church. Attendance was low after Easter the week before and there were moments dotted throughout the service when I was certain that Rev Bill was speaking directly to me. We sang "He Lives"... that hymn always gets me and [didn't we just sing that last week?] A few Kleenex and prayers later it was time to go home. 

That night was bowling with 2 of our closest friends.  There were cocktails, good company and laughter. We had fun and for a few hours I forgot. 

Monday I did all the laundry .. I kid you not .. it took ALL day.  I did some dishes, planned out dinner, took Kristen to the Dr, picked up some groceries and her Rx, watched some TV and found an old modem that I thought I might be able to replace my mother in law's broken one with. I meant to go over there to try that .... never happened .. there's always Tuesday.  I did finish an online profile for an IT recruiting firm and applied for another job online. Paul took my laptop to UPS that morning and he 'threw the box on the belt in disgust" ... he IS my true defender.

Tuesday, I made arrangements to meet a friend for lunch and she agreed to take my badge back to the office so I could avoid going inside. I failed at the modem replacement .. hmmm why do I keep this broken crap??? Called AT&T, upgraded internet install appointment scheduled for Thursday. 

Wednesday, I had nothing planned, no where I had to be, nothing I had to do, that was not a good thing. I attacked unemployment .. I mean the money isn't going to magically appear. You can apply online now and I did.  My "approval" is pending the outcome of a hearing in 2 weeks and because I made more money than Paul, I can claim the girls as dependents and get $30 more a week - had I not qualified for that - I would bring home less than $500 a week.  Hello reality check .... The combination of no real agenda, compounded by the unemployment adventure and the cold, wet, depressing weather meant that I laid on the couch for a good part of the day watching shows off the DVR in my PJs under a blanket.  Did I mention the dog seems to be sick too?  I think he might be channeling my depression. We laid there together, with no ambition to get up, just looking at each other.  I did manage to get the girls on time and Brooke made it through dance. Paul and I ate frozen pizza and watched Survivor and I went to bed at like 10:15. 

Today was better, I had plans. I met my friend, Amber, for breakfast and we caught up. It had been TOO long, we've both been overcome by events. She had some points about my experiences that I had overlooked and reminded me why it would be important to use in an interview. We spent a good part of the morning talking about sad stuff - the unexpected loss of her husband in the fall and my unemployment - but that 90 minutes this morning lifted my spirits, I have missed her and her wit.  Later that morning, another visit complete with a bottle of wine ... don't you love the name ????

The dog is still moping around the house so I call the vet .. I get voicemail and hang up .. they never call me back when I leave a message. I pack up a bag of things to do and head for my Mother in Law's to hangout for the new internet install.  I call the vet again and they have a 4:00 today or 9:00 am tomorrow.  I take the Friday since the AT&T guy hasn't called yet.  He arrives at 2:30 and about 70 mins later she has new phone line run, smoking fast internet and VoIP phone complete with Caller ID and I got 1/3 of the new address book that I've had for like 18 months filled in. [Yes, I still have a PAPER address book, I'm a sucker for pretty paper] 

I pack up and head out and decide I'm going to try to sneak in at the vet. I'm successful and not only am I happy with the diagnosis .. it is probably just Lyme ... the bill is under $100. A big shout out to some of the BEST neighbors who went and picked up the girls from daycare .. even though THEIR son was home sick AND fed them dinner. After pickup, one kid got a bath, one got her writing assignment finished and the dog is on the road to recovery.  He ate for the first time in 36 hours. 

Tomorrow I have plans too, some errands and then another lunch date. I'm hoping it gets easier on my brain, all this stuff, I'm hoping I get into a groove and don't lose another whole day to the couch/tv/self pity ... I hope, I guess that is better than being hopeless.